Uneasy Pills – Rantings of a lost ID.iot

Sometimes,

Life gets too complicated, too confusing, and we lose track of ourselves, who we were.

Sometimes it’s good to change, sometimes we can’t change, or change others around us.

Sometimes, we need to learn to accept people for who they are.

I’ve made some mistakes in my personal life over the last few weeks, mistakes that I regret so badly now, but ones I think can not be corrected 100% anymore, although I can hope it’s possible.

I’m not the only one who made mistakes, and I am sure the others are pondering similar things as I am now.

This blog site was originally set up and called UneasyPills because, I wanted it to reflect a part of me that people don’t generally like to talk about.

I suffer from depression.

I always have, and I will likely always do so until the day I die.

This is just a fact, a part of my life I have had to accept.

Depression is very real, it’s not made up.

There’s generally two core types, mental and chemical, of which mental can be triggered by chemical. To define the two as I understand it, mental is where, say, similar to teenage angst .. and chemical is the actual lack of or imbalance of the happy-chemicals in the brain.

I have mostly the chemical one, which means I can function normally most of the time, as long as I am careful about my environment, and what I do. Being aware of triggers is a big thing. but I seem to fail at noticing them sometimes.

Some people around me, still don’t understand, don’t want too, or maybe just can not understand.

I’m not asking for sympathy, just an attempt at understanding.

Depression is a funny thing, it hits people in different, but similar ways. For me, its a cycle of “Anxiety Stress Depression”.

It’s mostly starts because I always choose to put people I care about first, and in that way, I get to feel some happiness from seeing them be happy.

This of course, works to my detriment in the end.. but it is who I am.

The first time I had a full breakdown, was about 15-17 years ago. It was my first proper face to face with how devastating depression can be, and I didn’t know very much about it back then.

I know it lasted about 10 months, I was “lights on, no one home” for that time, so I really don’t recall very much at all, and have to rely on what others around me tell me.  I know that my GF at the time, was amazing, she looked after me for that time and I owe her a lot. She was the only one that understood. I guess it helped that she was a nurse. well.. anyway.

In those 10 months, things I know I can recall is just driving with family to my cousins wedding, cant remember the wedding or anything else around it..

that’s it.

When the breakdown happened, it sort of took me by surprise, I remember beforehand, people at my job always asking “hey are you ok, you seem different” but I recall feeling normal.. this is how it worked for me, it hit all in one go.

I remember, waking up in the morning… sitting up in bed.. looking at my work uniform and I just started shaking… and could not bring myself to get dressed.

I remember calling work, and speaking to the shift supervisor , in fact I remember what I said.. “Im not coming in any more… I quit”…. and that was it. I sort of recall crying a lot after that, and for the following 10 or so months, I really cant remember anything else, other than some very fragmented things.

My gf then, tells me, I spent most of my time either in bed, or wrapped in a blanket in a corner of our apartment. I don’t remember really.

I know I had the odd visitor, my cousin, and two of my dear friends MJ and JM ( I kid you not, those are their initials)

I remember the very last stages of my recovery, when I started going outside in small amounts… it was like.. a new world…. I basically fell apart, wasn’t able to look after myself, etc. your life ends as you knew it.

I had to rebuild everything I knew, start again. That was freaky and interesting.

I learnt who my real friends were very quickly after that.

that was, for the most part, my first actual proper breakdown.

I’ve had numerous ones after that, and hell, I’m having one now, although not anywhere near as bad, but still bad enough that it has damaged relations with someone I care greatly and deeply about… but only time will tell if those bridges can be repaired. I hope they can.

My second breakdown happened, maybe 2 or 3 years after the first one, and it was quite a doozey. It’s the first time I ever took medication for it. (never took any medication for the fist one).

I took a very strong series of Arrowpax.

That was likely, one of the worst things I could ever have done.

That drug changed me. changed my personality. and I hated it.

I still hate what I have become, even today.

I used to be very introverted, mild mannered, easy going…. it fairly much turned me into the opposite.

I very clearly recall becoming a very loud annoying bossy and “take no shit from anyone” type of person.

That took years to tame down afterwards.

My Third notable breakdown was only about 3 years ago, when, due to life, my (now) Ex and I broke up after 4 years, and the stress of trying to buy a house and growing apart.

My Forth notable one is right now.

This one is not so unique, it bares similarities to the others, and in cause and effect also.

At the moment, as I write this, I am fairly calm, its almost 2am, and I’m going to attempt to go to work at 8am, i wasn’t able to go to work this morning.

I’m currently on medication, it’s shelf name is: EFEXOR-XR, Venlafaxine as the hydrochloride. It’s fucking horrible.

But it is working, well, starting to work… though sadly too late for me to have done anything about saving the damaged friendship.

I’m not going to go into detail now, about stuff, regards to say that if you are reading this and you suffer from depression also, you’ll fully understand what I’m talking about , as brief as it is.

For those of you that don’t understand…. GO READ.

Your ignorance makes our lives extremely hard.

Anyway, I’ll end with this.