Archive for the ‘pain’ Tag

The Pain of Art and the Art of Pain

I struggle to shoot anymore.

The last few years have been hard, the more I close myself off from what’s happening around and inside me, the less I feel, the less I am.

I learned a very long time ago, for me to take a photo that has meaning … to me at least, I have to have a connection to the subject.

Mostly this comes at a price, the price of love, the payment is pain, the repayment plan… well… that i think, is eternal.

I’ve done two and a half photo shoots that have any meaning to me.

both the same subject

both human

both the same

And, I can’t get past it.

 

If i can’t connect with the darkness, i cant.

if i do connect with the darkness, the repayment plan is long.

I miss that particular connection, now, in this hollow void of darkness.

i sit.

 

Things are not ok sometimes

And it hurts. and there’s nothing you can do, you just suffer through it, keep pushing, hopefully come out the other end.

This blog .. uneasypills, i dunno, i made it thinking i could share my thoughts over the years.. hopefully help someone or something…. but i’ve just .. been to afraid to share anything really.. so its full of everything that it wasn’t intended for.

I try not to hide who i am, or my battle with anxiety and depression (hence the blog name), but i also don’t talk about it, and i do end up hiding it, because every day we are judged .. by our friends, our family, those we work with, strangers….

and now, im so tired of it all, so tired that i never seem to get ahead… just beaten down all the time.

for me, what happens, when i panic, or get a good bout of anxiety etc… i kinda lose the plot a little, and i cope or at least i try to cope, by eating excessively and spending money on things i think will help., which dont. which has now left me with nothing. literally, nothing, no savings, no assets, nothing.

so as someone who’s well past the halfway mark in life, whos health is not great.. i have nothing… nothing. i rent a small room, .. its where i live… ive spent most all of the savings i had built… id be lucky if i can pay rent for a few months with what i have left. bills like medical are coming more frequently now as i try and find out whats wrong with me, could just be getting older… but its coming more frequently now.

i do have a full time job, so i literally live paycheck by paycheck. this country, has a good lifestyle, but it’s isolated… and its so very expensive.. its hard to live. i was never good at things like being smart enough to buy a house, or anything like that. so i have nothing for when the inevitable happens, and i cant work any more.

I know at that point, the only thing i have is communication with friends, and that costs money too.. smartphone mobile call plans .. etc.. when that stops… and i lose touch.. what then. what then..

my life, for the last 30 something years i guess, has been built around communication, and reaching out to people around the world.. thats how i met my friend that i’ll talk about below in a moment… so when i cant afford that anymore.. that will stop, no one will know whats happened to me, and i wont know whats happening to them… if they are ok .. if they are well, .. i need to look after my friends.. they are all i have.

the internet has been a blessing for me to have met some truly amazing and inspirational people who have blessed my little life with what little happiness i can gather.

its also, been a massively detrimental also, when you already have anxiety, and you care too much, and you want to care cause it makes you feel like your alive even though it kills you inside, you’d rather hurt and know you have feelings than not.

i use internet to stay in touch with special people in my life…. but that makes me panic also, because instant messaging now means, you can see when you’ve sent a message, when they have received it (its been delivered) and when they have read it.

when they read it, i sit there, and i stress and i panic, when they don’t respond.

i know, they have lives, they could be busy, i get that, but it still happens, i still panic, esp with those whom im very close to. be they live here in the same city as me, or in a different country across the other side of the world.

especially one particular friend, whom i miss so very very much.

I look at my life, and honestly, im well past the half-way mark, my health isnt great… i cant cope well with emotional issues any more, and i think.. that being alone, not having a partner, has really fed that emotional fire… to the point now, that it’s fairly easy for me to break down… could be anything from a movie to a song, a thought, .. anything… so in turn, i dont think im able to have a partner anymore, cause they probably wont understand how i am. so, alone i shall be.

i had the chance to spend a week with a friend, a very dear dear friend, we hardly get to see each other .. maybe every few years.. just how it happened… the friend lives and works over seas, and im stuck here…

in the beginning, the very first time we met, wasn’t under the best circumstances, we were both going through some struggles in our lives respectively.. and we met, and we bonded over a common greaf, a common ground built of loneliness, stress and various other things…. and umm.. we managed to be a support for each other cause we knew what each of us was going through… thats how the friendship began, and has grown from there.

there’s nothing wrong with that, its good, its amazing, it helps me live day by day, and i hope it helps my friend also.

it was one of the best weeks ever in my shitty life..  the last few years had been really hard , and i think, things improved alot in our friendship.. we had some incredibly honest talks, shared some parts of our lives we don’t normally talk about, found more commonalities that has brought us both closer  … and hugs.. lots of hugs…. and i can’t tell you how important it is when you have anxiety and depression, to be able to connect with someone, and they know who you are and how hard it is, and the very simplest of things, like a hug, can mean so much, and give so much hope, desperately needed hope.

the problem is, when we have to part again, go back to our normal lives, me here, and my friend back over seas to their life. it honestly feels like going through a painful breakup over and over and over… yeah that might sound dumb, but for me, for me, when i feel for somoneone its just not at a manageable level, its extreme, i guess. and it kills me that i cant help them , especially when they are over seas, and suffering, having a hard time or whatever it might be.

now so, is such bad timing that this corona virus 19 has happened, cause now i have that worry on my mind aswell for my friends health and well being..

i know whatever will happen, will happen, but that doesnt stop me dying inside knowing that i cant do anything to help.

the internet made the world small, brought people together, and now this, this is making the world big again, and putting barriers back in place, driving wedges between us.

even though we are in touch often, be it an email, or sms, or somethings we share short little video or pictures, … they feel so far away… and i panic and stress because they are out of reach and if somethig happens.. there’s nothing i can do to help them… there’s no way for me to help them… and i feel so very alone and empty again.

yeah i have some very dear friends here, who i get to see often, and thats incredible, it really is… but they are here, i can help them if they are in need…they are within reach.

one of my biggest fears is how fast time is going. i wake up, and a week has gone… half a year has gone, a year has gone, and i panic… and i get stressed, cause i cant remember what happened, why it went so fast..

with my friend who just left, it was about 16 months i guess since we last saw each other… even though we have kept in touch… it felt like we were worlds apart from each other and it feels like forever.. and i missed them so much.. and then they came back for a week, then gone again, and just like that…. there’s this massive empty space again where we would sit and talk, or walk, or watch tv, theres this big empty space again, a reminder of how empty my life feels.

 

it’s important to have friends, especially those that understand or even maybe suffer the same as you do.

its important to reach out, its important to not stigmatise things like anxiety and depression.

its important to be there, even if all you can do is offer a hug… that hug could save a life, take the edge of a pain, give hope.

I miss you my friend… i miss you and wish you all the very best and safe and healthy life with your family.. and i look forward to when we can hopefully sit down together again, share stories, talk deeply, and hug…. just one more time. before this life takes its ultimate conclusion.

 

Thank you internet, for listening, sorry i’ve rambled on a lot here… its been a really hard week, and there’s going to be many more following this as i try and cope, and get though each day.

Three Words–DON’T GET SICK

 

sick

 

Because by the time you’re done with the medical profession.. you’ll wish you just got hit by a bus instead….

So, not feeling too bright the last week or so, went to my doctors on Monday…..

Finding that my original doctor has resigned, made me very happy… didn’t like her much.  New doctor… very cool dude with a weird accent….

Explaining the gubbins to the doc, and he writes me a script to get blood-works done…. i mentioned to him in passing that I’m not sure my blood has ever done an honest days work in its life… he said not to worry, he could tell just by looking at the size my stomach……

big-belly-blue-shorts-400x400

…… decide this doctor is a keeper – he has a sense of humour.

 

He said I’d need to be NBM for the night, and i was.. aww ok..

brenmoor-nil-by-mouth-hospital-wristband

 

at this point in the story, it’s important to note that i generally goof-off a lot, more so if the situation is more serious…. …

 

anyhooters….

next day, Tuesday morning at 7am i show up bright and early at the blood vampiring lab place to give my donation to the red sucker testers….

I was the second one there. sweet, no long wait…… the nurse comes up and askes me if I’m me and to follow her, so as a good me i am i did……

Now, I’m not feeling the best, haven’t had anything to eat or drink since last night, and am really hanging out for a drink of water or coffee… me.. not in the best of moods…

Haven__t_had_my_coffee_yet_by_1purplepixie

So she sat me down and in her professional English-is-not-her-first-language way asked me to roll my right sleeve up…. to which i smiled at her as she looked at my arm, and i pointed out…. short sleeves… no rolling required….. I’m not sure if she totally understood me or not….

Open-mouthed smile

she put that thingie on that stops the blood flowing….. dabbed my little soon to be mono-vamperic hole arm, and… suck me, THREEE FUCKING TIMES with a needle.. all of which was followed by me saying “DANGIT” and her going “sorry” before she managed to get the thing right, and suck 2 vials of my reddy goodness…

796-dracula-blood-donation

 

  .. she broke my arm Sad smile

 

arm-after-blood

 

note at this point, that i very quickly decided it was wrong to be one of the first people in because i think the nurses just start warming up on them….. wasn’t at all impressed.

 

Then, bless her cotton socks, she hands me a sample vial and a cup thingie and says.. and i shit you not.. “i want to sample your urine”…..

Containe

….at which point i seriously could not help myself and i started laughing at her and said she’d have to pay me for the privilege , which i think she understood cause she didn’t seem so impressed.. .. who knows, maybe in her previous profession she was a “pro” if you get my drift…. *cough* anyways……  i asked her if i could have that as a takeaway as i had already hosed down a few mountains and wasn’t quite up to carving out a valley with out my morning coffee just yet.

she wasn’t impressed – again – like i really cared at that time.

she spoke to the receptionist who gave me a nice brown paper bag to stuff the gear in

paper_bag

 

… and so off i went to work… bleh bleh…

anyways, i returned  few hours later with said expected sample as requested in my own magical way…

Urine Sample

fries

…..the receptionist wasn’t impressed.

 

So then…

I’ve a follow up with the doc on Friday with the test results….

i fear the worst though…. i think he’s gona tell me I’m pregnant..

man-pregnant-1

 

The moral of the story… meh i haven’t a clue.

It’s a story, factual, for your entertainment at my suffering.

bleh Smile with tongue out

GROUP the web series S01E08–LOSS

GROUP The Web Series

Loss, how much is something worth to us, how much does SOMEONE mean to us…who cares… LOL

GO

WATCH

NOW

Smile with tongue out

 

Smile with tongue out

two for the price of one

PIC418.tmp

 

Days roll into nights, into weeks and years

still my flesh ages beyond my understanding

mind sharply young bleeding nonsense

born from unrealistic memories of the past

some rancid screeching crow screaming obscenities

on street corners pushing daggers into faith of

passer-bys whose only moment of clarity was

12 seconds after death stops becoming still

blackened eyes drifting across bridges

bulging erratic craving fingers obsessed with

hair though tormented orchestrations of

forbidden clarity

taken broken homes subversly stolen from

the dead, demands recognition of nothingness

rounded by the only sound with reason now

small wicked steps that permeate though valley walls

volcanic stupidity spews forth behind darkened doors

 

lost children of the dead land

 

still cries with the deafening echoes of nothing

 

anymore

 

 

All material copyright: Yanni Migias
Not for stock or unlicensed use.

My Blog at: http://www.uneasypills.com
My Web  at: http://www.asylumimages.com
My Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/user/Z3bra
My dA Site: http://z3branz.deviantart.com
ModelMayhem: 2996604

death, pain, suffering, insight, farts and fish

Nice guys STILL finish last

I found some random chainlink spam… but it made some sort of sense…

It’s not mine.

But the very last line..

 

Not many girls appreciate nice guys anymore. And because of this, there are not many left out there.

♥ To every guy that said, “You’re beautiful”…
♥ To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town to see her…
♥ To every guy that gives her flowers and a card when she is sick or down…
♥ To every guy who has given her flowers just because that’s how he rolls…
♥ To every guy that said he would die for her…
♥ To every guy that really would…
♥ To every guy that did what she wanted to die for…
♥ To every guy that cried in front of her…
♥ To every guy that she cried in front of…
♥ To every guy that holds hands with her…
♥ To every guy that kisses her with meaning…
♥ To every guy that hugs her when she’s sad…
♥ To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all…
♥ To every guy who would give their jacket up for her…
♥ To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe…
♥ To every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours just to see her for ten minutes…
♥ To every guy that would give his seat up…
♥ To every guy that just wants to cuddle…
♥ To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what…
♥ To every guy who told his secrets to her…
♥ To every guy that showed how much he cared through every word and every breath…
♥ To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one…
♥ To every guy that believed in her dreams…
♥ To every guy that would have done anything so she could achieve them…
♥ To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams…
♥ To every guy that walked her to her car and opened the door…
♥ To every guy that gave his heart…

♥ To every guy who prays that she is happy even if he’s not with her anymore…

_____________________________________________________

I guarantee 90% of the men on your page will not repost this because they care more about their image.

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