And it hurts. and there’s nothing you can do, you just suffer through it, keep pushing, hopefully come out the other end.

This blog .. uneasypills, i dunno, i made it thinking i could share my thoughts over the years.. hopefully help someone or something…. but i’ve just .. been to afraid to share anything really.. so its full of everything that it wasn’t intended for.

I try not to hide who i am, or my battle with anxiety and depression (hence the blog name), but i also don’t talk about it, and i do end up hiding it, because every day we are judged .. by our friends, our family, those we work with, strangers….

and now, im so tired of it all, so tired that i never seem to get ahead… just beaten down all the time.

for me, what happens, when i panic, or get a good bout of anxiety etc… i kinda lose the plot a little, and i cope or at least i try to cope, by eating excessively and spending money on things i think will help., which dont. which has now left me with nothing. literally, nothing, no savings, no assets, nothing.

so as someone who’s well past the halfway mark in life, whos health is not great.. i have nothing… nothing. i rent a small room, .. its where i live… ive spent most all of the savings i had built… id be lucky if i can pay rent for a few months with what i have left. bills like medical are coming more frequently now as i try and find out whats wrong with me, could just be getting older… but its coming more frequently now.

i do have a full time job, so i literally live paycheck by paycheck. this country, has a good lifestyle, but it’s isolated… and its so very expensive.. its hard to live. i was never good at things like being smart enough to buy a house, or anything like that. so i have nothing for when the inevitable happens, and i cant work any more.

I know at that point, the only thing i have is communication with friends, and that costs money too.. smartphone mobile call plans .. etc.. when that stops… and i lose touch.. what then. what then..

my life, for the last 30 something years i guess, has been built around communication, and reaching out to people around the world.. thats how i met my friend that i’ll talk about below in a moment… so when i cant afford that anymore.. that will stop, no one will know whats happened to me, and i wont know whats happening to them… if they are ok .. if they are well, .. i need to look after my friends.. they are all i have.

the internet has been a blessing for me to have met some truly amazing and inspirational people who have blessed my little life with what little happiness i can gather.

its also, been a massively detrimental also, when you already have anxiety, and you care too much, and you want to care cause it makes you feel like your alive even though it kills you inside, you’d rather hurt and know you have feelings than not.

i use internet to stay in touch with special people in my life…. but that makes me panic also, because instant messaging now means, you can see when you’ve sent a message, when they have received it (its been delivered) and when they have read it.

when they read it, i sit there, and i stress and i panic, when they don’t respond.

i know, they have lives, they could be busy, i get that, but it still happens, i still panic, esp with those whom im very close to. be they live here in the same city as me, or in a different country across the other side of the world.

especially one particular friend, whom i miss so very very much.

I look at my life, and honestly, im well past the half-way mark, my health isnt great… i cant cope well with emotional issues any more, and i think.. that being alone, not having a partner, has really fed that emotional fire… to the point now, that it’s fairly easy for me to break down… could be anything from a movie to a song, a thought, .. anything… so in turn, i dont think im able to have a partner anymore, cause they probably wont understand how i am. so, alone i shall be.

i had the chance to spend a week with a friend, a very dear dear friend, we hardly get to see each other .. maybe every few years.. just how it happened… the friend lives and works over seas, and im stuck here…

in the beginning, the very first time we met, wasn’t under the best circumstances, we were both going through some struggles in our lives respectively.. and we met, and we bonded over a common greaf, a common ground built of loneliness, stress and various other things…. and umm.. we managed to be a support for each other cause we knew what each of us was going through… thats how the friendship began, and has grown from there.

there’s nothing wrong with that, its good, its amazing, it helps me live day by day, and i hope it helps my friend also.

it was one of the best weeks ever in my shitty life..  the last few years had been really hard , and i think, things improved alot in our friendship.. we had some incredibly honest talks, shared some parts of our lives we don’t normally talk about, found more commonalities that has brought us both closer  … and hugs.. lots of hugs…. and i can’t tell you how important it is when you have anxiety and depression, to be able to connect with someone, and they know who you are and how hard it is, and the very simplest of things, like a hug, can mean so much, and give so much hope, desperately needed hope.

the problem is, when we have to part again, go back to our normal lives, me here, and my friend back over seas to their life. it honestly feels like going through a painful breakup over and over and over… yeah that might sound dumb, but for me, for me, when i feel for somoneone its just not at a manageable level, its extreme, i guess. and it kills me that i cant help them , especially when they are over seas, and suffering, having a hard time or whatever it might be.

now so, is such bad timing that this corona virus 19 has happened, cause now i have that worry on my mind aswell for my friends health and well being..

i know whatever will happen, will happen, but that doesnt stop me dying inside knowing that i cant do anything to help.

the internet made the world small, brought people together, and now this, this is making the world big again, and putting barriers back in place, driving wedges between us.

even though we are in touch often, be it an email, or sms, or somethings we share short little video or pictures, … they feel so far away… and i panic and stress because they are out of reach and if somethig happens.. there’s nothing i can do to help them… there’s no way for me to help them… and i feel so very alone and empty again.

yeah i have some very dear friends here, who i get to see often, and thats incredible, it really is… but they are here, i can help them if they are in need…they are within reach.

one of my biggest fears is how fast time is going. i wake up, and a week has gone… half a year has gone, a year has gone, and i panic… and i get stressed, cause i cant remember what happened, why it went so fast..

with my friend who just left, it was about 16 months i guess since we last saw each other… even though we have kept in touch… it felt like we were worlds apart from each other and it feels like forever.. and i missed them so much.. and then they came back for a week, then gone again, and just like that…. there’s this massive empty space again where we would sit and talk, or walk, or watch tv, theres this big empty space again, a reminder of how empty my life feels.

it’s important to have friends, especially those that understand or even maybe suffer the same as you do.

its important to reach out, its important to not stigmatise things like anxiety and depression.

its important to be there, even if all you can do is offer a hug… that hug could save a life, take the edge of a pain, give hope.

I miss you my friend… i miss you and wish you all the very best and safe and healthy life with your family.. and i look forward to when we can hopefully sit down together again, share stories, talk deeply, and hug…. just one more time. before this life takes its ultimate conclusion.

Thank you internet, for listening, sorry i’ve rambled on a lot here… its been a really hard week, and there’s going to be many more following this as i try and cope, and get though each day.