Archive for the ‘New Zealand Kiwi’ Category

The Pain of Art and the Art of Pain

I struggle to shoot anymore.

The last few years have been hard, the more I close myself off from what’s happening around and inside me, the less I feel, the less I am.

I learned a very long time ago, for me to take a photo that has meaning … to me at least, I have to have a connection to the subject.

Mostly this comes at a price, the price of love, the payment is pain, the repayment plan… well… that i think, is eternal.

I’ve done two and a half photo shoots that have any meaning to me.

both the same subject

both human

both the same

And, I can’t get past it.

 

If i can’t connect with the darkness, i cant.

if i do connect with the darkness, the repayment plan is long.

I miss that particular connection, now, in this hollow void of darkness.

i sit.

 

24 hours on – New Zealand is now closed for business.

20th March 2020 – in about 10 minutes (as of the time of writing), it would will be the completion of the first 24 hours of New Zealand closing its borders to the world.

First time in New Zealand history that this has happened.

Covid-19 is partly to blame, idiots who can’t follow instructions like “self isolate” (these being mostly tourists and some dumbass locals) are mostly to blame.

As of this time, we now have 39 confirmed cases, up 11 from yesterday’s 28.

I don’t agree with the border closing, but, I do.

It was realistically the only option available to try and stem the stupidity.

However, this has a greater effect than just stopping people entering the country, it also effectively stops us leaving.

And guess what it’s done for my mental state of wellbeing, considering I now feel so totally powerless and helpless, that I can’t reach out and assist someone that is dear to me, who is stuck in Australia.

So close, so very very close, yet so fucking far now.

The internet, made the world smaller, distance wasn’t a issue, we have emails, VOIP, instant messaging, many ways of keeping in touch, and it was fairly easy (though somewhat costly) to buy a ticket and fly somewhere… but for now, and who knows how long, we are trapped again, imprisoned within this country, within our minds, within… these bones we exist around…

Trapped and broken.

Now what.

I went into town this evening (friday night)… and it’s quiet…. usually full of party-goers.. now, it’s quiet.

I think of my friend in Australia, and it’s still quiet, aside from the screams of frustration echoing eternally inside my bones..

I feel broken.

One of the stabilities I had in my life, a crutch, an emergency relief, was that I knew if things got too bad, I could just buy a plane ticket and fuck off for a while… escape the maddening screams that touch me every time I walk into my house, or sit in my car, or think about the time we spent together enjoying each others friendship and that soulmate style bond… the screams grow louder … and yes, I know I’m not really escaping, because this issue, these problems, this frustration and anxiety .. is all in my head, and it travels with me all the time.

Since yesterday, or even the few weeks I’ve had to manage again by myself, I’m restless, hardly getting any more than 3 or 4 hours sleep… cursed with lying awake in bed, no distractions other than my mind making things worse than they need to be, causing me to panic, and oh, that’s the other fun part, the panic attacks again… something I’ve not had for … well… over 20 years… are back… they welcome me every morning, accompany me through my day, and lay me to rest through sheer exhaustion each night. for 3 or 4 hours, then we start again.

We all carry our own personalised hell with in us. some of us get to sale through hardly noticing… some of us notice.

Broken.

And I don’t know what to do.

Broken.

Life has taken a darker turn for me of late. I pretend that I can see the dim illumination of hope, but, as I said, I pretend.

Broken.

I miss you my friend. You may never read this, maybe I hope you might, mostly I don’t think you ever will, but mostly, I don’t know if we will ever see each other again.

Thank you for everything. just in case.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Things are not ok sometimes

And it hurts. and there’s nothing you can do, you just suffer through it, keep pushing, hopefully come out the other end.

This blog .. uneasypills, i dunno, i made it thinking i could share my thoughts over the years.. hopefully help someone or something…. but i’ve just .. been to afraid to share anything really.. so its full of everything that it wasn’t intended for.

I try not to hide who i am, or my battle with anxiety and depression (hence the blog name), but i also don’t talk about it, and i do end up hiding it, because every day we are judged .. by our friends, our family, those we work with, strangers….

and now, im so tired of it all, so tired that i never seem to get ahead… just beaten down all the time.

for me, what happens, when i panic, or get a good bout of anxiety etc… i kinda lose the plot a little, and i cope or at least i try to cope, by eating excessively and spending money on things i think will help., which dont. which has now left me with nothing. literally, nothing, no savings, no assets, nothing.

so as someone who’s well past the halfway mark in life, whos health is not great.. i have nothing… nothing. i rent a small room, .. its where i live… ive spent most all of the savings i had built… id be lucky if i can pay rent for a few months with what i have left. bills like medical are coming more frequently now as i try and find out whats wrong with me, could just be getting older… but its coming more frequently now.

i do have a full time job, so i literally live paycheck by paycheck. this country, has a good lifestyle, but it’s isolated… and its so very expensive.. its hard to live. i was never good at things like being smart enough to buy a house, or anything like that. so i have nothing for when the inevitable happens, and i cant work any more.

I know at that point, the only thing i have is communication with friends, and that costs money too.. smartphone mobile call plans .. etc.. when that stops… and i lose touch.. what then. what then..

my life, for the last 30 something years i guess, has been built around communication, and reaching out to people around the world.. thats how i met my friend that i’ll talk about below in a moment… so when i cant afford that anymore.. that will stop, no one will know whats happened to me, and i wont know whats happening to them… if they are ok .. if they are well, .. i need to look after my friends.. they are all i have.

the internet has been a blessing for me to have met some truly amazing and inspirational people who have blessed my little life with what little happiness i can gather.

its also, been a massively detrimental also, when you already have anxiety, and you care too much, and you want to care cause it makes you feel like your alive even though it kills you inside, you’d rather hurt and know you have feelings than not.

i use internet to stay in touch with special people in my life…. but that makes me panic also, because instant messaging now means, you can see when you’ve sent a message, when they have received it (its been delivered) and when they have read it.

when they read it, i sit there, and i stress and i panic, when they don’t respond.

i know, they have lives, they could be busy, i get that, but it still happens, i still panic, esp with those whom im very close to. be they live here in the same city as me, or in a different country across the other side of the world.

especially one particular friend, whom i miss so very very much.

I look at my life, and honestly, im well past the half-way mark, my health isnt great… i cant cope well with emotional issues any more, and i think.. that being alone, not having a partner, has really fed that emotional fire… to the point now, that it’s fairly easy for me to break down… could be anything from a movie to a song, a thought, .. anything… so in turn, i dont think im able to have a partner anymore, cause they probably wont understand how i am. so, alone i shall be.

i had the chance to spend a week with a friend, a very dear dear friend, we hardly get to see each other .. maybe every few years.. just how it happened… the friend lives and works over seas, and im stuck here…

in the beginning, the very first time we met, wasn’t under the best circumstances, we were both going through some struggles in our lives respectively.. and we met, and we bonded over a common greaf, a common ground built of loneliness, stress and various other things…. and umm.. we managed to be a support for each other cause we knew what each of us was going through… thats how the friendship began, and has grown from there.

there’s nothing wrong with that, its good, its amazing, it helps me live day by day, and i hope it helps my friend also.

it was one of the best weeks ever in my shitty life..  the last few years had been really hard , and i think, things improved alot in our friendship.. we had some incredibly honest talks, shared some parts of our lives we don’t normally talk about, found more commonalities that has brought us both closer  … and hugs.. lots of hugs…. and i can’t tell you how important it is when you have anxiety and depression, to be able to connect with someone, and they know who you are and how hard it is, and the very simplest of things, like a hug, can mean so much, and give so much hope, desperately needed hope.

the problem is, when we have to part again, go back to our normal lives, me here, and my friend back over seas to their life. it honestly feels like going through a painful breakup over and over and over… yeah that might sound dumb, but for me, for me, when i feel for somoneone its just not at a manageable level, its extreme, i guess. and it kills me that i cant help them , especially when they are over seas, and suffering, having a hard time or whatever it might be.

now so, is such bad timing that this corona virus 19 has happened, cause now i have that worry on my mind aswell for my friends health and well being..

i know whatever will happen, will happen, but that doesnt stop me dying inside knowing that i cant do anything to help.

the internet made the world small, brought people together, and now this, this is making the world big again, and putting barriers back in place, driving wedges between us.

even though we are in touch often, be it an email, or sms, or somethings we share short little video or pictures, … they feel so far away… and i panic and stress because they are out of reach and if somethig happens.. there’s nothing i can do to help them… there’s no way for me to help them… and i feel so very alone and empty again.

yeah i have some very dear friends here, who i get to see often, and thats incredible, it really is… but they are here, i can help them if they are in need…they are within reach.

one of my biggest fears is how fast time is going. i wake up, and a week has gone… half a year has gone, a year has gone, and i panic… and i get stressed, cause i cant remember what happened, why it went so fast..

with my friend who just left, it was about 16 months i guess since we last saw each other… even though we have kept in touch… it felt like we were worlds apart from each other and it feels like forever.. and i missed them so much.. and then they came back for a week, then gone again, and just like that…. there’s this massive empty space again where we would sit and talk, or walk, or watch tv, theres this big empty space again, a reminder of how empty my life feels.

 

it’s important to have friends, especially those that understand or even maybe suffer the same as you do.

its important to reach out, its important to not stigmatise things like anxiety and depression.

its important to be there, even if all you can do is offer a hug… that hug could save a life, take the edge of a pain, give hope.

I miss you my friend… i miss you and wish you all the very best and safe and healthy life with your family.. and i look forward to when we can hopefully sit down together again, share stories, talk deeply, and hug…. just one more time. before this life takes its ultimate conclusion.

 

Thank you internet, for listening, sorry i’ve rambled on a lot here… its been a really hard week, and there’s going to be many more following this as i try and cope, and get though each day.

Good Saturday Morning

Well hello muffins… it’s Saturday the 23rd of almost that annoying day in December again …. meh.

The world has been somewhat interesting these last few months..

Bitcoin sores into orbit then comes crashing back down

Japan reports it’s lowest birthrate ever this year at just over 930,000 something

Some kpop singer takes his life and the world is shocked..

Social Media continues to turn once sensible people into walking morons

This generation are in for a shock when they realise they can’t live on the internet

And I’ve been abducted by two of the nicest Cosplayers ever..

Ok.. not really abducted.. but that did sound cool 😁 we have a shoot later today so am looking forward to that and testing my ability to remain sane and coherent in this weird heat.

Summer has come early.. no doubt going to be a hot one.

I’m off to L.A in Feb next year for a short but well needed holiday.. first holiday in about 3 years, so looking forward to that .. I’ve thought about this and .. excluding a week off over Xmas holidays (now) I’ve had 1 official day off this year.. only 5 days off in March 2016 and most of January 2015 off.

That’s not good.. not good at all when I look back and see the self inflicted damage that has done to my health and clarity of mind.

Speaking of clarity…

https://youtu.be/1yDYwExllYY

Go watch that – Team Purple..

Breakfast time then shoot prep.

Have a safe and happy holidays everyone. 😁

My bloggy of:
Photography, food & fun
Auckland, New Zealand

Travel Notice –
I’ll be in L.A for a week
mid-Feb 2018

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A beautiful conversation

As I sit at my favourite cafe on a lazy Sunday morning, I enjoy a humble breakfast (my diet cheat day) and the quiet surroundings and soft jazz music that lightly caresses my lobes in the background.

Forward of my table sits a mother and daughter.. Both lost deeply in conversation about this or that.. No doubt sharing their viewpoints on the days events or the week gone by.

Gracefully embracing the moment and withholding any obvious outburst of emotion.

That’s them there ( see image above ) forward and to either extreme of my delightfully empty breakfast plate ….

Obviously engulfed in deep conversations..

With someone else lol.

I’ve been sat here for about 45 minutes, they were here when I arrived and I suspect i might leave with them still fully intact in their original upright oblivious-to-eachother positions.

To my direct right sit a couple (an ex couple I discover via their somewhat short tort and demeaning obsverations of each other’s downfalls and features) discussing how they should dispose of mutual belongings and their dog….

I occasionally glance over at them hoping they wi’ll notice me looking at them with my “will you two kindly quieten down or GTFO” glare in my eyes … but no.. so that conversation in futility continues through who the dog likes better and whom has the shittier cloths…

To my left, I delight in a small group of happy sounding people yabbering away with laughter in whatever language they speak.. sounds pretty though.. wish I could understand it .. wonder what their lives are like.. what adventures they have been on or things they’ve seen or food they’ve eaten .. Yea.. it always comes back to food lol.

Wait! Omg! Mother and daughter have just left! What voodoo magic is this .. I didn’t even notice.. maybe they have stealth mode enabled …

Doesn’t matter though because a seriously attractive lady just too their table .. possibly a backpacker by the looks and defiantly foreign.. wonder where she’s from… if she’s waiting for anyone.. I glance up a few times only to see her, like the previous tenants of that table, also deeply lost in conversation with a digital someone … or something .. ah well…

I glance up again to see that she’s ordered a chocolate shake and a very yummy looking cookie… lucky cookie… Lol…. bugger me… lucky straw ….. yeeks …. I must look elsewhere …..

A jogger just went past… nice legs….

This must mean it’s time for me to give up my seat to the next visitor of this fine establishment .

Have a lovely Sunday my bearded beauties and aked faced hotties alike.

Live Natural – Live Fee.

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IG : z3branz
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BBC News: YouTube channels need 10,000 views for adverts


YouTube channels need 10,000 views for adverts – http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-39527043

For a while now i have been pondering upon what to do with my YouTube channel … As much as i do enjoy making videos, they are time consuming to do..and increasingly more annoying trying to adhere to YouTube ever changing requirements and rules for content. 

There have been many a YT personality express there irritation at what’s going on with YT and how YT appears to be consistently making it harder and harder to remain with them at any worthwhile level when it comes to revenue, which a lot of the bigger YT names rely on as their income while making YT content full time.

For me as a  simple casual content creator who doesn’t even have 100 subscribers ( lol ) income isn’t an issue as I have full time employment already and this forthr most part a fun hobby and a means to create a living memory for myself and whomever may be interested. 

I keep my content trimmed of any of my photo shoots and other events as YT would likely close my little channel down for some petty rule about showing to much skin lol.  … not me… my models… lol believe me no one wants to see my skin.. it just ain’t pretty hahaha 🙂

But anyway…. I’ve been holding back on making more content and looking around at what might be available … thus far only Vimeo looks viable .. 

Still through .. how far should I take it..After all its just a hobby .. 

Should I include behind the scenes photo shoot stuff ? Should I do more road trips and adventure ? … maybe I should drop that media format all together and just just platforms like Instagram, tumblr and twitter. .. none of which gain me any decent exposure anyway.. I.guess maybe other than Instagram .. who knows lol.

It’s all food for thought. . And I’ve thought about it  and now I’m eating the food lol 

Happy weekend everyone 🙂
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